My mother gives me a lot of shit when I swear, but only when I swear on Facebook. People I don’t know, nor have ever met or really care much about, “might see it.”
“There are so many other words you could use instead.” – Mom
True, there are a lot of words I know, and I do use them regularly. But sometimes, “fuck” is the only thing that will suffice. Opening the pantry door to discover a large scorpion? “Oh, dear me!” will not cut it. “Oh, holy fucking shit balls!” is what that situation calls for. Am I right?
Mom and I were sitting around her patio table last night, with my youngest brother, my auntie (Mom’s sister), one of my best friends and her husband, and my mom was divvying up swats between my brother and me as we used “colorful” words in our usual banter. My auntie brought up my recent ban of My Little Pony in my home (Sassypants was beyond distraught; more on that later) and mentioned the acronym I had used for the show recently (on Facebook, of course.): MLMfCsP.
“What does that stand for?” asked my adorably conservative mother.
My auntie started laughing before I even opened my mouth. “It stands for My Little Motherfucking Cocksucking Pony,” I told her.
Swat! Gasp! “You said that on Facebook?!? That is embarrassing! I’ve never said that word.”
Back up, Mother Dear. You SO have said it and I recall the exact details of when and where. This frazzled mind of mine holds a shit ton of memories and you don’t stand a chance.
“Yes, you have. We were in your car, when you still drove the Highlander, turning left on Stephanie from Sunset. You were upset with (shall remain nameless) and you called (shall remain nameless) a cocksucker.”
My mother, who really is the most adorable little lady on Earth, shrugged and said “Oh. Well, it doesn’t really count if you’re in the car.”
So there you have it. You may swear to your heart’s content, with my mother’s blessing, but ONLY IF YOU ARE IN THE CAR.
*Note: my daughter was not around for any of the above-mentioned interchange. I honestly try to refrain from swearing around her and other children. Modeling behavior and all that jazz.