Monthly Archives: November 2015

Hi Honey.

Hi Honey,

I miss you.  Also, I wish you were here to remember to bring in the trash cans because that shit is hard and the HOA is on my ass about it.

So, as you may remember, our child is fucking brilliant.  Like even unbiased, she’s basically a genius.  She’s writing cursive.  CURSIVE.  She’s four.  FOUR.  I told you, brilliant.  Genius.  Our spawn gets a huge thumbs up.

Hey, so here’s the thing.  I’m really mad at you.  I know that’s not fair, because you had cancer and then you died, but I’m still mad.  I’m really, really mad.  This life, the one I’m living now, is NOT what we agreed to.  You were supposed to be healthy, to take care of our child and of us, and I was supposed to work and pay the bills and the other minutiae of adult life.  I didn’t agree to this.  Single parenthood.  Single income.  Single, single, single.

When I get mad, I hear you in my head (fucker): “relax, it’s cool, no big deal.”  Well, you didn’t do the Terrible Two’s, the Terrorist Three’s, the Ferocious Four’s.  I did.  So shut your mouth.  But I’ll be fair.  When I’ve hit my limit, when I’ve reached the point of BIG MAD, I hear you in my head.  You tell me to relax, to breathe, to chill.  Sometimes, I do.  Sometimes, I have to take a time out and yell at you in my head because YOU AREN’T HERE.  And I know you didn’t wish that.  I know you wanted it to be different.

I’m Trying.  I swear, I am.  I’m frustrated.  I’m tired.  I’m angry.  I’m…I’m everything.

But I’m trying.  I really, really am trying.  I love you.  I miss you.  I wish you were here.



The Epidemic Of Half-Orphans

My dear friend lost her husband recently.  They have three children.  Including those three kiddos, I now personally know seven children who have lost their fathers.  SEVEN.  And all of them under the age of thirteen.

That’s crazy, right?  It’s not just me who thinks that’s crazy?

My daughter was just a little over two years old when her dad died of cancer.  The very same day he died (03/31/2013), another friend’s husband died, also of cancer.  They were raising their granddaughter together (she still is), so he was absolutely a father to that child.  My baby and their baby were both made half-orphans that day.

(As a side note: that day just happened to be Easter Sunday.  Easter is on a different fucking day every year.  So we get to remember that awful day twice every year.  Just for shits.)

Whether it was cancer, an accident, or addiction that took these men out of their kids’ lives, I can’t help but feel this is an epidemic.  So many babies without their daddies.  I said “half-orphan” to my village the other day, then wondered “Is that a real thing?”  And yes, it’s totally a real thing.  Children with only one living parent are considered half-orphans.

You know what’s even crazier?  It’s so commonplace in my world, that now I don’t even think it’s all that crazy.

I need a drink.